


How Not to Cook a Turkey

by CosmicPeppermintLatte



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Christmas, M/M, but it's okay because they have good friends, marco and jean fuck up a turkey, maybe not witty but banter no less, much witty banter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 17:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9000262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmicPeppermintLatte/pseuds/CosmicPeppermintLatte
Summary: This would mark Jean and Marco's first time hosting Christmas dinner and their first attempt to cook a turkey. Not everything goes according to plan, but good friends and "holiday cheer" make up for everything.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spamanas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spamanas/gifts).



“C’mon Marco, do it already!”

 

Marco’s jaw twitched as he stared down at their freshly thawed turkey with his hand hovering just above a bowl of stuffing.

 

“J-just give me a minute to compose myself okay? I don’t see you jumping to stick your hand up this turkey’s butt.”

 

Jean leans in closer and wiggles his eyebrows. “Yeah, well you’re much better at this sort of thing anyway so…”

 

Marco groaned loudly and withdrew his hand completely. “Could you not right now?” Marco snapped at him, but his expression was soft, almost begging.

 

Which made Jean cackle.

 

“Just close your eyes! Grab some stuffing, and jam it in there.” Marco rolls his eyes as Jean goes through some crude gestures with his hands.

 

“That’s easy for you to say,” Marco pouts turning back to the turkey with a grimace. “It’s so gross, why do we have to put stuffing into a bird’s… Butt cavity! Whose dumb idea even was that?”

 

“It’s one of life’s great mysteries my love, but you know, the longer you keep complaining about it, the longer you’re going to keep staring that turkey in its gaping butthole.”

 

“Okay stop!” Marco quickly grabs a generous handful of stuffing and proceeds to “jam” it into the turkey.

 

It was a sight. Marco kept his eyes closed the whole time he stuffed the turkey grabbing blindly for the stuffing and whimpering every time his hand entered the raw bird.

 

“Okay babe,” Jean says between snickers “it looks pretty stuffed, I think you can stop now.”

 

Marco lets out a relieved sigh before rushing over to the sink to wash his hands. “Okay, and you preheated the oven right?” He asks, double, then triple checking the recipe on his laptop screen to his right.

 

Jean leans heavily on the counter and watches with a lazy grin as Marco picks up his laptop and begins to pace their kitchen floor reading and rereading the turkey recipe. “Yeah yeah, it’ll beep when it’s ready,” Jean says shaking his head.

 

“It says five to five and a half hours for a stuffed turkey that weighs as much as ours…”

 

Jean leans a little further onto the counter watching as Marco sticks his tongue out a little in concentration, a trait Jean absolutely adored about his freckled boyfriend.

 

He stops suddenly and looks up at Jean. “But doesn’t that seem like a long time? Five hours?”

 

“Babe,” Jean can’t hold back the soft chuckle that escapes him as he comes and gently takes the computer out of Marco’s arms and sets it back on the counter. “You’re cute like this I’m not gonna lie,” Marco swats his arm but Jean catches it and pulls him closer. “But it’s just a turkey, it’s just dinner, with our friends. The same friends who drive to McDonalds at 3 a.m. and eat expired yogurt on a regular basis.”

 

Marco snorts, “I’m pretty sure that’s just Sasha.”

 

“Nonetheless, the turkey will come out fine.” Jean cups a hand around Marco’s cheek which he quickly leans into. He makes another groaning noise and slumps into Jean’s embrace, setting his chin on the blond man’s shoulder and wrapping his arms tightly around his waist.

 

“I know but, it’s our first time hosting something. I just don’t want anything to go wrong.” Marco lets out a huff and presses his face into Jean’s neck. “Ymir and Krista make it look so easy.”

 

This time Jean snorts and nuzzles his cheek against Marco’s soft hair. “You mean Krista makes it look so easy. Ymir just does what she tells her to. And let’s be honest, it’s not fair to compare yourself to Krista, she’s not human. She’s like, an angel or a demon or something sent here to keep the peace of the earth.”

 

“Whatever” Marco chuckles and pushes Jean away just as the oven starts beeping.

 

“All right, put her in, I’m setting the timer for five hours… now.”

 

“How do you know it’s a ‘her’?” Marco asks sliding the turkey pan into the oven.

 

“Well if you think about it, that hole was way too small to be a butthole and`”

 

“Okay no! Why do I even ask!”

 

Jean barked with laughter again as he slipped out of the kitchen with Marco not far behind him.

 

.

 

They spent the hours after that cleaning their apartment and readying it for the coming guests. It was a smaller group this year, many of their friends were spending the holidays with family, so only Krista, Ymir, Sasha, and Connie were planning on coming, which was partially the reason Marco and Jean had agreed to host dinner. The usual plan was Dinner and Ymir and Krista’s because every year they went all out: decorations, caroling, Christmas cake and cookies, and Ymir’s famous eggnog spiked with extra “holiday cheer”.

 

Christmas would be much more modest this year.

 

Marco had gone out shopping for a few nice decorations and dishware for the living room and dinner, Jean had strung up lights though out the house, and together they put up an actual tree instead of decorating one of Marco’s house plants like they’ve done for the past three years they’ve lived there.

 

Everything seemed to be going well until they hit the four-and-a-half-hour mark and started to smell something burning.

 

“Jean, do you smell that?” Marco asks halfway through setting the table.

 

Jean sniffs the air and tilts his head. “Burning?” They both share a brief glance before both of their heads snap in the direction of the kitchen.

 

In seconds both of them are in front of the oven with Marco pulling open the door.

 

The turkey was sizzling loudly and was several shades darker than it should have been at that point.

 

“Oh my god how?” Marco says quickly making a quick glance at the temperature. “Jean!” he squeaks. “I told you to preheat the oven to 350! Why is it on 375?!”

 

“You told me 375!”

 

“I didn’t! I swear I said 350!”

 

 “Calm down, it’s fine just take it out.”

 

Marco makes a high pitched, closed mouth screaming noise as Jean slaps him with the oven mitts.

 

He sets the turkey on the stovetop and they both squint at it for a moment.

 

“Look, see?” Jean states. “It’s fine, a little burnt, but still fine.”

 

Marco makes a whimpering noise and crosses his arms. “Well, we don’t have another turkey on hand, so this one will have to do.”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Jean chirps, clapping him on the shoulder and earning him a heavy eye roll on Marco’s part.

 

Soon after that the table was set, the turkey was plated and set in the center, and a rumbling of footsteps and loud voices could be heard coming down the hall outside.

 

“Right on time.” Jean hums and strides toward the door, swinging it open just as someone makes the first knock.

 

“Jeanbo!!” Sasha screeches, choosing to head butt him full in the chest since her arms were too full to hug him.

 

Jean stumbles but catches himself and wheezes slightly. When he looks up, he sees Sasha is carrying not one, but two rather large covered dishes, and Connie is close behind her with another two dishes. “Sash, what the hell is all this?”

 

“Oh well, y’know,” she chimes happily, nudging him to the side with her hip and letting herself in “I told you I was making ham, but then I wanted pot roast so I figured, why not both? Then I couldn’t decide what kind of potatoes we should have! You can’t have ham without mashed potatoes so I made those, but Con was like, ‘what Sasha, you’re not making baked potatoes? You _always_ make baked potatoes’ and he’s right! Oh, and I found something else on the way here too!”

 

“That is way more than enough. What could you have possibly--“

 

“Merry Christmas horseface! I made gingerbread!”

 

Jean’s jaw dropped as Connie started snickering and ducking past him into the apartment. “What the hell are you doing here Eren? You said you weren’t coming!”

 

“Yet here I am,” he says smugly coming to stand almost nose to nose with Jean.

 

“I brought casserole” comes Armin’s sweet voice.

 

“And baked salmon…”

 

Jean’s expression softened a bit at seeing Armin and Mikasa. Sighing loudly, he stands to the side and holds the door open for all of them.

 

“Merry Christmas guys! I’m so glad you made it.” Marco comes and helps them all with their dishes and hugs each of them tightly.

 

“Your places looks great, Marco” Mikasa states taking a look at the decorations.

 

Marco laughs lightly and scratches his cheek. “It’s the first time Jean and I have actually decorated for Christmas honestly. We usually just dress up one of my succulents with some lights and call it a day.”

 

“That seems nice too,” Armin hums.

 

Suddenly, there’s a thundering knock on the door and Ymir’s voice rings in loud and clear, “The party has arrived! The party also saw you assholes coming up but nobody waited for us!”

 

Marco opens the door this time and is greeted by a bear hug that lifts him off his feet.

 

“Marcoooooo! We missed ya!”

 

“Ymir be quiet, you’re so loud,” Krista giggles behind her. Once she sets Marco down, Krista is nudging her aside and wrapping her arms around Marco’s neck as well. “Merry Christmas Marco.”

 

“Merry Christmas you two, thanks for coming.”

 

“The pleasure is all ours freckles. Now, where’s your lesser half? I’m about to get him fucking wasted!”

 

Krista huffs as they walk through the door and pulls at her sleeve. “Ymir, please watch your language it’s Christmas.”

 

“I’m sorry baby,” she coos. “I’ll make it up to you after this huh.”

 

Sasha jumps at both of them and hugs them together. “Yes! Everyone is here, we can eeeeeeeeat!”

 

Connie tilts his head “What’s in the rolling cooler?”

 

Ymir shoots a thumbs up over Sasha’s shoulder. “It’s the booze train! Let me set out this eggnog and we can get this party started!”

 

.

 

“Okay a toast!” Krista chimes. “To Jean and Marco’s first Christmas party!”

 

Sasha raises her glass and shouts, “Amen! Let’s eat!”

 

Everyone’s glasses clink and the plates start filling up.

 

“Dude Jean,” Eren snorts, “Why is your turkey so burnt?”

 

“Shut the hell up!” He looks worriedly at Marco, but he seems to be all smiles. “It’s just a little burnt! I’m sure the inside is fine, so just eat it.”

 

As soon as Eren cuts into it he drops the carving knife. “The inside isn’t even cooked! How the hell did you even do that! And is that--! Did you forget to take out the bag with the gizzards and stuff! Oh my god!”

 

Marco suddenly bursts out laughing so hard he has to push his plate away.

 

Jean puts his hand on Marco’s shoulder. “M-Marco? Babe?”

 

“This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t make me put my hand up its butt!” Marco snorts with laughter.

 

“You did what?!” Connie laughs nearly choking a piece of ham.

 

Eren snorts. “And you still didn’t take out the plastic bag?”

 

“Everyone knows it’s better to cook a turkey unstuffed,” Sasha states matter-of-factly picking up the carving knife to slice herself a piece. “It’s science!”

 

Marco shakes his head and sits up smacking her hand lightly. “Sasha, please tell me you’re not going to eat that disaster.”

 

Sasha smiles brightly and stands up with her plate and bringing it to the microwave. “Uh, duh! You know how you fix under cooked food? You cook it!”

 

Marco continues to laugh with his hands covering his face. After a moment he feels Jean’s hand warm on his thigh. When he looks over at him Jean is reaching out for his hand twining their fingers together and leaning closer.

 

“See? What did I tell you?”

 

Marco scoffs. “That it would be fine.”

 

“Yeah, and that Sasha will eat anything.”

 

He squeezes Jean’s hand a little too tightly then bumps his head against his shoulder. “You’re right. I don’t know why I was worried.”

 

Jean ducks down and just barely catches Marco’s lips in a chaste kiss. “Merry Christmas babe.”

 

Ymir gently kicks Marco’s leg under the table and raises her glass to him. “Yeah babe, now take a shot and make merry!”

 

Marco takes one more look at everyone around their cramped dining table and raises his glass with his free hand. “Merry Christmas!”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas Mari! I hope you have a great holiday and use Fahrenheit when it comes to baking ;u;


End file.
